General ramblings

Self Doubt

March 24, 2015

This weekend, I worked my last weekend doing my ‘proper job’.
It feels like a fairly momentous occasion.
And I am feeling a little bit scared….

I qualified as a vet nearly 11 years ago, and since the boys arrived, I have worked part-time, and latterly, just at weekends, to contribute to the family pot.

But I’ve never enjoyed it and I’ve always found it quite stressful. And although I’ve been lucky enough to be able to make it fit in around the kids whilst they have been at home full time, I know it’s not something I want to do more of once SmallSmall starts school in September.

I have come to the conclusion after many years wanting to be a vet, training to be a vet, and being a vet, that I am just not suited to it. I am not the right personality type. It stresses me out, I don’t enjoy it, and for me, I don’t really feel that I am particularly creating a huge amount of value.

I want to wake up in the morning, excited about what lies ahead, not feeling slightly sick, and dreading what the day might bring.

I want to feel like I am making a difference. That in my own tiny, possibly inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, way, I am making a difference. That what I am doing is making the world a tiny bit of a better place for my kids to grow up in.

I also want to be able to generate an income in a way that fits in around the kids, so that I can do the school run, be around if they are ill, watch Sports Day and the nativity, and be around for them in the holidays

And I want to be happy doing it!

That’s not asking for much is it..?!

For me, blogging about Make Do and Mend, about conscious consumption, about small steps we can all take to make a difference, ticks all the boxes. (Apart from, at the moment, the income thing…!)

I stumbled into blogging 2 and a half years ago, and I have discovered that I really enjoy writing. That I really enjoy making connections with people. And that on occasion the things I write seem to resonate with the people reading what I write.

I enjoy it, it can be fitted in around the kids, and I do feel as pretentious as it might sound, that I am creating value.

So I made a BIG decision.
I decided to turn my back on the safe, secure, but ultimately not for me, career that I had worked so hard for.
And I decided to follow my dreams: of a website that can generate an income (via the Directory listings of classes and workshops); of freelance writing and speaking engagements; and writing more books.

And now I’m scared.

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